最近在学习关于爱情和婚姻的知识。虽然我自己还没有步入婚姻，也没有找到合适的伴侣，但是因为我从小到大，已亲眼目睹了太多破裂的婚姻关系，亲身经历了它们所造成的伤害，因此我今天开始学习关于如何能运营和维持一个好的婚姻关系的知识。
Recently, I’m learning about love and marriage. Although I am not married myself and have not yet found a suitable partner, I have experienced what a damaged relationship can cause since I was a child and have observed too many broken relationships. Hence I began to learn about how to create and maintain a good marriage.
学习了之后才知道，经营一段健康、持久、稳定的亲密关系和婚姻关系真的不容易啊！需要付出很多努力！而仔细思考一下，我发现身边所目睹的那些破裂的婚姻关系中的双方恐怕都没有做到这些必要的东西，所以难怪没有经营好婚姻关系了！
I started to realize that it is really not easy to operate a healthy, lasting and beautiful intimate relationship! It takes a lot of effort! When I think back, it seems that really none of the broken relationships I have observed have done any of the things that should be done, so it’s no wonder they don’t work!
然而，我们从小到大的教育里，真的太缺乏类似的教育和引导。长大后有一部分人稀里糊涂就进入婚姻生活，全靠自己摸索；就像行军打仗之前，没有计划、战略和准备一样，结果到了战场上才会狼狈不堪，所以才导致了那么多家庭的破裂和不幸！
However, in our education since childhood, there are really too rare such educations! So many people just rush into marriage when they are “at the age”, and then they have to figure out everything themselves. It’s like before marching into a battle, we have no strategy, no planning, and no preparation.
以下中英文内容，主要来自加拿大临床心理学家Jordan Peterson结合他二十多年临床经验在国外网站上的公开演讲，以及一部分其他欧美学者和公众人物的演讲及访谈内容。
The following English and Chinese contents are mainly from Canadian clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson’s public speeches online based on his more than 20 years of clinical experience, as well as some speeches and interviews by other European and American scholars and public figures.
一、为什么人类需要持久而有意义的（两性）关系？Why do people need to have meaningful lasting relationships?
1. 你想和某人的生命紧密的编织/纠缠在一起：当两股绳子织在一起时，会在它们其中一根脆弱的时候依然强大。
You want to tangle your life with someone: when two ropes are tangled together you are
stronger during the time of weakness
2. 在漫长的人生旅程中，有一个人陪伴你，会让你的生活变得坚实，让你的生活变得真实，让你的生活变得更深入，这是一个独自生活，仅拥有的零碎的（异性）关系所不可能拥有的。
It builds the solidity in your life and reality in your life to have someone who is alone with
you in this very long voyage. It deepens your life in a way that it isn’t really possible with fragmentary relationships as a single person.
3. 你需要一个对手，这样你们从相互斗争中彼此学习——你知道你在哪里是白痴，在哪里你应该停止，反之亦然。
It build the solidity in your life and reality in your life to have someone who is alone with
you in this very long voyage
4. 事实上，你必须在各种情况下与彼此抗争。理论上，这是促进生理和精神成长的真实过程。这就是为什么在大多数人类社会中，婚姻是一件神圣的事。这不仅仅是生理上的结合。生理上的结合并没有错，但它必须放在有关人类的其他一切的背景下。
You want someone to contend with, because you learn through that wrestling- you learn
where you are an idiot, and where you should stop being, and vice versa. The fact that you have to contend with someone under all sorts of circumstances, theoretically, it’s a matter of promoting phycological and spiritual growth and it’s genuine. That’s why marriage is a sacrament in most human communities. It’s not just a physiological union. There’s nothing wrong with physiological union but it has to be placed in the context of everything else the human being is about.
5. 有双亲的孩子要比只有单亲的好得多
Kids are far better with two parents
6. 女人在生产后的第一年完全不知所措，她需要有人在她照顾孩子的时候照顾她
Woman is completely in overwhelmed in the first year and she needs someone around take
care of her while she is taking care of the kids
7. 孩子需要一个稳定的基础，他们需要很长时间才能成熟，在这段时间内他们需要知道这种关系是值得信赖的
Need a stable basis for children and it takes a long time for them to be mature and they
need to learn that the relationships are trustworthy
二、你需要寻找一个什么样的人？What kind of person do you need?
寻找一个能让你在这段关系中火花四射的人，一个有趣地与你不同的人——不是过于不同以至于你们无法沟通，而是虽不同但他/她有能力和意愿表达自己的观点。
You want to find someone in the relationship that you can spark with, someone who is interestingly different from you⸺ not so different that you can’t communicate with, and hopefully they have the ability and will to express their opinions.
这样，你们的关系中必然会有紧张感，而彼此的兴趣因此保持在一个高水平。在这段关系中你们需要有一点麻烦，有一点神秘，有一点争吵，并且能够交换意见，而且必须能够告诉对方真相。
Your interests can stay heighten, and there has to be that tension in a relationship. You want a little bit trouble in the relationship, a little bit mystery and a little bit combats, and be able to exchange your opinions, be able to tell each other the truth.
你们最好能对彼此有吸引力，可以彼此信任，可以一起展望未来，可以彼此协商，相互坦诚想法。
You want to find each other attractive, to find someone you can trust, someone you can build the view of future with, someone you can negotiate with.
在好的关系中，会感觉亲密、安全、被尊重、有良好的沟通、有被重视的感觉;
Good relationship: Intimacy, security, respect, good communication, a sense of being valued;
在不好的关系中，有太多争吵，不能向伴侣寻求支持，充满蔑视，敌意，批评，暴力。
Bad relationship: Fighting too much, not being able to go to the partner for Support, contempt, hostility, criticism, violence
三、一段良好的婚姻关系中需要的 What a good marital relationship need
你们各自必须知道自己真正想要什么，从你的伴侣和婚姻关系中需要什么，必须知道你必须得说出你想要什么（而不是不把自己的想法说出口，想当然地认为对方应该知道），以及当得到想要的东西时能够感到满足，并不断地更新这一切。需要把诚实这项品质奉献给欣欣向荣的爱情，让这段关系可靠，多产，慷慨，而丰盛。
You have to be able to tell you what they think, have to know what they want; they have to figure out that they need to tell what they want, have to satisfy when they get what they want, and you have to continually update that. You need honesty, the honesty that devoted to thriving and love, a reliable, productive, and generous loving relationship.
你需要从一开始就选择合适的人，并发展和使用这些必要的技能——洞察力、相互性、情绪调节能力
You need to genuinely know what you want and need in a partner and a relationship. Select the right person, and develop and use the skills right from the beginning — Insight, mutuality, emotional regulation
1. 洞察力：反思、理解、学习能力 Insight: awareness, understanding, learning
– 有了这样的能力，你就知道自己是谁，你需要什么，想要什么，你为什么从事你所做的事情
Know who you are, what you need and want, why you do the things you do
– 有了这样的能力，就能够预测自己行为的相应积极和消极后果(比如与其发充满怒气的短信，不如打电话沟通)
Able to anticipate the positive and negative consequences of your behavior
(e.g. instead of sending the nasty texts, perhaps better to have a call)
– 有了这样的能力，就知道在这段关系中什么对你而言是正确的
Know what’s going to be right for you in the relationship
2. 相互性：理解双方都有需求，都很重要 Mutuality: both part has needs and both matter
– 有了这样的能力，就可以以清晰、直接的方式表达你的需求
Convey your needs in a clear, direct fashion
3. 情绪调节能力（自控力）Emotional regulation
当你爱上一个人的时候，你需要安排你的日程，把他/她放在首位，或者将对方看作是自己身体的一部分。
When you are in love with someone, you are going to organize your schedule and make them a priority, or view each other part of your flesh.
婚姻不会像魔法一样自动能起作用。你必须付出很多努力，在关系中需要一直做出一些让步。你不能习惯于有人在你身边，然后仍然把其他一切排在更重要的位置——那样你们的关系就会滑向谷底，然后就会产生不满，然后开始在外寻找刺激和冒险。你不能这么做，你得优先考虑这段关系。如果你和他/她在一起生活，短期内你要做出一些牺牲。从长远来看，这对你们的发展更有利。
It’s not going to be like a magic that it just works. Romantic interactions are not what seem to be spontaneous. You have to make a lot of effort, and compromising all the time. You can’t get accustomed to have people around and then everything else is still more important, and the relationship will drift to the bottom, and then people get dissatisfied so they started looking for excitement and adventures otherwise. Well, you can’t do that, you have to prioritize the relationship. If you’re living with someone else, there are sacrifices to be made in the short term, and they are the compromises to make in the long view pictures better for you.
结婚后，你们必须为彼此腾出时间，就像你们婚前约会时一样，比如在彼此的穿着、打扮，身材的保持上，精神和财务的成长上—— 想想看你在结婚前，曾花费了多么大的力气，才最终赢得了他/她。
You have to make time for each other after getting married, just like you both putting effort to it when you were dating with each other before marriage.
有研究表明，夫妻双方需要：
Research shows，that the couple needs to at least:
1. 每周至少需要90分钟的时间相互沟通，关于彼此的生活，关于讨论需要做些什么来保持家庭运转顺畅，列出一些双方都能接受的，关于未来几周或几个月的计划。
90 min per week for communication, Tell the other about your life, tell what needs to be done to keep the household running smoothly, lay out some mutually acceptable visions on how the next weeks or next months are going to go together.
2. 每周至少一次，最好两次的时间在一起共度亲密时光——这是需要协商的，如果不协商，不把它放在首位，那么生活中平凡忙碌的事情会占掉你们的时间。
To spend some intimate time together at least once a week, twice is better. And that has to be negotiated, and if you don’t negotiate it and if don’t keep it priority,
每个人都没有权力控制对方，改变对方。你所能做的就是尽你所能成为最好的丈夫/妻子，这将对另一个人产生神秘的影响，给她/他空间成为最好的妻子/丈夫。
Each one has no power over the other, what you can do is just to try your best to be the best husband/wife you can be, and that would have a mystical impact on the other and give her/him the space to be the best wife/husband she/he can be.
四、婚姻中需要避免的 What you need to avoid in the marriage
1. 避免相互竞争的状态，或至少以一种健康的方式引导它。比如，“我为这里付出了多少精力花费了多少钱，所以你也需要在那里花费同等精力和钱”。婚姻不是两人各自付出50%，而是各自都付出自己的100 ％。
Rule out of the spirit of competition, or at least channel it in a healthy way. A marriage is not 50/50, you both just give 100％ of yourself, and you don’t worry about the competition.
2. 把对方的付出和为你存在视为理所当然—— 想想看在婚前你花费了多大努力试图赢得他/她。
Taking the other for granted, stop trying to win this person (not like when they were dating
each other)
3. 不要把你的坏心情转嫁到对方身上（你有义务把你的坏心情从自己身上除掉，就像把自己口臭除掉再跟他/她说话一样）
Not in-flaked your bad mood on the other ( you are obligated to wash your bad mood away
from each other, just like you wash away your bad breath away from each other)
4. 不要让音量超过5（在争论中）
Do not allow the volume to go past 5
5. 不要用难听的名字称呼对方
Don’t call each other nasty names
6. 不要把对方的家人扯进来
Don’t involve each other’s family member
7. 不要再提过去的事了
Don’t bring up the things in the past
8. 不要带着气上床睡觉
Never go to bed mad
9. 在婚前不让对方了解关于你的一切
Let each other know everything about you
10. 很多人在婚前不说出自己想要什么，害怕什么。结果婚后才发现有些事情对方接受不了。
Many people don’t say what they want, and what they fear before the marriage.
Just let the other person know everything about you.
11. 不要坚持固执己见（我或者是对的，或者是快乐的。所以选择快乐的道路吧！）
I can be right, or I can be happy. So take the happy road！
以上就是我今天学习的内容。总之，当今中国的年轻人里，大概由于大多数都是独生子女，各自都比较自我中心；另外，女性也越来越独立了，有能力有勇气去追求自己的生活，因此，一方面很多女性如我一样，多年来一直独立自强，而不是“到了年龄就结婚”；另一方面，在婚姻中遭遇挫败，也能够及时止损，而不必像以前一样要依附婚姻关系生活，因此离婚率也越来越高。但是，我觉得我们不能止步于此，我们需要的是在这个上面更进一步，学习如何运营一个美好亲密关系的技巧，才能找到和拥有一个健康幸福的婚姻关系。
That’s what I learned today. In short, among today’s Chinese young people, probably since most of us are the only child in the family, we are likely more self-centered. Also, women are getting more self-awareness and more independent socially and economically, hence they have the ability and courage to live their own lives, hence many women， like me, have been concentrating on self-development for longer years, rather than “get married when they are at the right age”. On the other hand, women also would like to “stop loss in time” and end the marital relationship once they feel frustrated in marriage, rather than continue relying on the marital relationship for survival like before, so the divorce rate is getting higher and higher. However, I think we should not stop there, we need to take this one step further and learn the skills in operating a good intimate relationship in order to find and have a healthy and happy marriage.
如果今天我们能开始学习，先在意识和规划上有所准备，就可以更好地准备进入婚姻。因为，当你知道了什么样的行为可以经营好一个关系，什么样的行为会导致不好的关系，就不会再让自己茫然无措的担忧，从心理上害怕、恐惧婚姻，从潜意识上逃避婚姻，担忧婚姻可能会造成灾难性的后果了。
If we can begin to learn today, getting better prepared to enter marriage with more awareness and planning. When you know what kind of behaviors can lead to a good relationship, and what kind of behaviors may lead to a bad relationship, you will no longer let yourself stay in confusion, worries, fear of marriage or escaping marriage at a mental and subconscious level.
希望今天的内容也能对你有所帮助！
I hope today’s content will be helpful for you!